Confetti

I’m a big fan of celebrations. Party city is one of the best stores, in my opinion. A party city? Hell yeah. Living alone during the holidays, without established relationships (other than my dog) in an area you’ve never been before, has taught me how to celebrate completely when no one else is around.

I woke up thanksgiving day this year feeling yucky. Emotionally yucky, physically yucky, and I realized that I could do anything I wanted today, just like any other day. That my choice to live was and will always be here. So I made myself a shitty pie. I mean really it was terrible, something I wouldn’t dare dream of bringing to a dinner. And I blasted Christmas music and cried with wine over sappy, dumbass holiday movies. I celebrated the way that I could on a day I felt gross. And it was perfect.

I was driving to work the other night and realized that I am very scattered. Scattered throughout the US, scattered throughout the world. It was a combination feeling of a sad, deep longing and gratitude. That feeling taught me that the biggest, most meaningful things in life are usually both sad and grateful. I would never have it any other way: my buddies that seem to sprawl the globe, yet days like this, the ones that are ‘supposed’ to include everyone you care about, leave me feeling scrunchy. They leave me wanting a miracle. Until I realize that that miracle has already happened. I know you. It’s a day where I want more than this life could ever offer me, but ends up being a day that I am proud to live.

My heart feels like confetti, the kind that sticks to your clothes and travels in your hair, scattered and clustered with the ones I love so deeply. So as I sit in my studio in Vermont on this thanksgiving, gazing at the snow that dusted the ground clean, my heart is content, sad, and so very grateful for the ones I love. Cheers to you <3