the biggest of the smallest

When my grandpa passed away this October, I felt like everything inside myself had turned inside out. I felt dead inside. Fuzzy. Lost. Confused. Angry. Overwhelmed. Damn, I was so overwhelmed by sadness. Then I realized that to feel all this makes me very much alive and not only that, it makes me very much a fragile, broken, strong, and tremendously loved human being. As though to look at the heartache inside myself was just further solidly justified proof that my heart beats in tune with others.

One of my very best friends is a high school english teacher. She works at a school in Grand Rapids, Michigan and by golly is she good at her job. She gathered her kids from all her classes and told them about my grandpa. A man she only spent a couple days with but loved her immediately and completely. The part of me that feels the most grateful is the people that are still here on this earth that celebrate and mourn my grandpa with me. Because I seemingly forced everyone I loved to know him. And, as this brings me no surprise, they all loved him as much as I do. Her students were finishing up a poetry unit, which is one of my favorite things. Her instructions were to write me a letter and attach a poem they had written. It could be one that they specifically wrote for me and my grandpa or one they found comforting. The only words I could find to describe my awe of such pure hearts tumbled into a poem that I wrote for Miss Vee’s class. I love you all, you are so damn wonderful.

the squeal of the brakes from a truck of five letters a squeak

a bark

a knock

and a light brown package plopped under a doormat of a home the girl doesn’t own, in a city the girl doesn’t belong to.

One package stuffed and fluffed full of the purest and most melodious of words. written with BIC ink and ticonderoga lead

letters big

letters small

paper white

paper tall

green eyes and tired hands

perked ears and already we have tears.

pure and simple

kind and sweet

a small brown package is now the biggest of all treats

the tears pour from sorrow’s womb and joy’s largest lagoon

fast and hard to flow

blurring and sparkling

like sun

like snow

all of the majesty and all of the purity of a single small heart

to say I’m grateful is just the start

you are good

you are kind

you are poetic and have glorious minds

but your hearts, oh my

i will love them for all of my life.