Someone asked me a while ago if the lifestyle I live is worth being apart from so many of the people I love. But that’s just it, love isn’t something that is kept in a single space. It is not something that decreases in value simply because you leave the space the two of you shared. The person and the feelings never leave your life and you often hope, despite all the pain and heartache, that they never do.

I’ve been in South Carolina longer than any other place this past year. That truly doesn’t say much, I’ve only been here for three and a half months. But it feels like a lifetime. A beautiful lifetime. I’ve learned an awful lot about people, as I do in most places: people and their ability to show up, to love, to be present for others even when they can’t, physically. I’ve learned about missing people so much it leaves you feeling completely displaced in this world. So maybe that question of “is it worth it?” was valid, but it wasn’t the right question. My people are all over the world. This makes me feel like I have the widest heart but the most stretched all at once. It makes me feel so damn grateful to have soul-slammed into these wonder-bucket kids, to know them, to love them, to cherish them. I refuse to not invest for fear of pain.

Most days, creativity seems to fly at me like a bird out of its element. Other days, it seems that I can’t seem to find anything new. “I wish you were here” slides across my lips more than any other string of words on a day to day. Perhaps in competition with “I love everything about this”, these two phrases have grown to become one when I let them. I wish I could paint a picture with my feet and then eat watermelon with you on a porch in the sun, but if I can’t, I will do it in honor of you, which is the most lovely and awful feeling.

I recognized a couple days ago, sitting and watching the waves crash to shore, hearing Prance’s heavy pants, feeling the sun, and smelling the seagulls and salt, that there are so many things in this life that I am frustrated by and so many things I’m awed by. And all of them make no sense. I asked myself if it was wrong of me to be looking at something so complete of majesty and want something. The beauty is always there. The wanting is always there. But the beauty does not negate the wanting nor does the wanting negate the beauty. Sometimes I think we just need to hold things separate, acknowledging them both, but not trying so hard to blend everything together.

My heart has touched almost every continent, dozens of countries, and hundreds of people, never would I not want the ache associated with that. The displacement is bearable because of love.

Please know, my loves, that I think of you often, and I love you deeply.