honey in a paper bag

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Oh how beautiful

A couple days ago I had an MRI done of my head.  An image taken where the photographer was the only one who could see the result, same idea as always, though less friendly.  I felt like a bug under a microscope, as I often do whenever I enter any sort of room with white bright lights, scratchy paper, and pictures of fish on the walls.  There’s only a few times in my life where I have felt relatively nervous about going into these spaces. The picture itself didn’t scare me, the photographer, no, it was the messenger, or rather the message.

I have a friend who cries so easily and sometimes I pretend the tears she has for my situations are mine as well, helps to release something inside of myself.  I think a lot of people save tears for something grand, extravagant, large, mountainous.  This was/is traumatic, so I am allowed to cry about it. I have proof that this is real and is damaging me, my tears are now justified.  As though we have a limited source. A pint size bottle we are given when we are born: use these wisely.  

The brain is lovely.  There are synapses and neurons that communicate and connect to carry signals throughout the body in order for your entire system to function as it should.  The reason you breathe is due to your brain, the reason your heart beats. If there is a blip, the body has trouble, the heart has issues. The brain seems rather inaccessible: an intruder, pockets of pain.  An element of the body so fragile yet so resilient, the slightest touch or break in movement would send it down a spiral of collapse. And not just for that organ, for the entire body.

But as I was driving today, one phrase kept replaying in my head: oh how beautiful.  There is a lot I have seen in my little years.  A lot of yucky and a lot of lovely. And oh how beautiful it is to live.  Achy and shitty but how beautiful.

After a picture was taken of the inside of me with banging and stinging, bright lights and a cold space, I ate a bunch of fudgsicles on a porch in bare feet. And truly it’s these moments of gold: simple colors that explode the sky, reflecting the pain and joy in your heart, the confusion and peace. These are the moments where the one true thing I know is that for all my life, You have been so, so good.