home :)

Recently, I’ve been thinking about taking a break from writing. I rarely like to write about things that are incomplete or driven by some sort of sunshine, but I feel as though that has turned around on me in this year. There have been pieces of my posts that I’ve written hastily and angrily, frustrated in my own circumstances.

I feel as though everything inside me is stuck together, so tacky and clingy that I can’t pick apart one piece to look at it separately to discover what nourishment it needs. And maybe that’s been a huge part of this year, discovering new survival techniques in providing your body with the nourishment it needs immediately. And yet, I feel that has been so temporary for me. But the anguish, confusion, hurt, and deep sadness within my core has not been temporary. It has been very present in everyday.

I recognized a few months ago that my desire for a restful and a complete definition of home seems somewhat haunted and corrupt. It’s been interesting to live on my own for so long, moving to places I’ve never been to before, just to feel lonely all over again. And yet, within all of that loneliness I have discovered new ways each time to nurture that feeling, fall in love with myself in new ways, and practice balance. I have created my own definition of home that is very fluid, honest, open, cozy, and uncomfortable at times. I have yet to be able to put whole words to it, but the feeling definitely exists, it is alive and thriving, even when my soul is not so much. And I’ve discovered that that is okay. That hitting a wall can be a means to provide rest if you let it be a place to lean. Our body and minds provide ways of protecting us everyday, and just because it seems misplaced or inappropriate in some spaces, doesn’t mean it is broken.

I’m living in Washington right now. It is gloomy, rainy, and chilly most days, but the colors are exquisite. The trees seem to breathe life into the fog and encourage fresh air to give birth. I can see the ocean from my window and that provides a great sense of home for me. I think and hope that it will take me my entire life to develop a complete definition of home, and maybe even then it will have parts that need to be filled, but that seems more natural and comforting to me than a set idea. So I suppose I will keep searching, moving, and hopefully growing, as my home morphs and transforms with who I become.