as if it was new

Holding joy and achiness in your heart is truly acrobatic. I used to think I was really good at seeing and noticing both, now that I actually have grown into the way it feels, I know I’m now doing it right. The camino holds so many fresh and wonderful feelings, inspired by people and laughs, yet an extreme achiness for what will forever be present in my heart yet entirely past tense.

I feel as though I have become unsettlingly accustomed to a displaced and scattered life. And when I do not feel secure in the welcome home I provide for myself, I start to wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life. I woke up today in Denver, it was earth day and the trees were floppy with fresh, wet snow. As I walked the streets of my neighborhood, the houses and coffee shops I’ve come to know so well, everything seemed to be entirely silent and still, a sleepy moment captured in time. The only lullaby swinging through the softness was of the birds gently singing, slowly rising, perhaps just as shocked as I was upon waking to such a cold and enchanted sight. My heart began to swell as the birds chirped louder and I felt as though they were etching a tune by my heart’s design.

I do not know where I’m going or what I’m doing or where I’ll end up but I know the uncertainty of this journey exposes a labyrinth of beautiful people and soul melting experiences. That I would not trade for all the comforts and guarantees in the world. To live life unafraid and unashamed of going against the grain opens your eyes to so many simple joys . And truly, I’m starved for it.